It’s all Tiger, all the time!

Tiger Woods is so screwed

The Smoking Gun

Us Weekly obtained a voicemail from Tiger to one of his mistresses, 24-year-old cocktail waitress and VH1 Tool Academy alum Jaimee Grubbs, and he’s not giving her tips on her short game:

“Hey, it’s Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye.”

So the 24-year-old, desperate-for-fame, cocktail waitress saved the damming voicemails she received from the billionaire athlete with the squeaky-clean image, and then sold those voicemails to a tabloid for ungodly amounts of money? Didn’t see that one coming . . .

Hot Steamy Phone Text

More shocking news about fame-whore Jaimee Grubbs: She kept all the sexy text messages Tiger sent her, too. D’oh! Via Radar:

“I will wear you out…when was the last time you got (bleeped)?” one message read. Another one from Tiger read, “Send me something very naughty…Go to the bathroom and take (a picture).”

These text messages are either “bad” or “really really bad” for Tiger’s image. Bad if the (bleeped) part of the text message is “fucked.” Really really bad if it’s “tied up like a naughty schoolgirl and treated like the whore that you are.”

Tiger Loves Pussy, Part 3

Life & Style claims that Tiger has a third mistress, Kalika Moquin, that he hooked up with as recently as October:

Kalika Moquin, a marketing manager for The Bank nightclub in Las Vegas, hooked up with Tiger more than once at his Las Vegas hotel during the weekend of Oct. 23, an insider tells Life & Style.

“They’ve hooked up a bunch of times. Tiger told Kalika that married life isn’t all it’s built up to be. He said he wasn’t happy in his marriage or his home life and that there was just so much pressure on him.”

You know what’s even cooler than having a girlfriend in every city of the world? You getting to keep your 155-foot yacht instead of your wife getting it in the divorce.

Tiger’s a Pervert

In an interview with Radar, mistress #2 Jaimee Grubbs revealed that Tiger’s golf game extended well beyond the course:

“Every time we had sex, Tiger liked to yell ‘It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! Yes!’. I asked him what the hell he was doing and he said it was an old habit.”

OK, I made this whole thing up. But it certainly seems plausible considering what’s happened so far.

My Bad

Tiger posted an apology on his website this morning:

“I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

“Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

“But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions.

“Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.

“I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.”

Translation: “I am typing this message as my wife holds a hedge trimmer to my balls. Send help immediately.”