Wilmer Valderrama is tapping that ass

Minka Kelly leaving the Byron & Tracey Salon in Beverly Hills (2/2)

Wilmer Valderrama has a new notch in his bedpost: Minka Kelly. Your move, John Mayer. May I suggest Miss [insert Eastern Bloc country here]? From the New York Daily News:

Minka Kelly is swapping ball players for the Hollywood variety. A source at Beacher’s Madhouse on Saturday night spotted Wilmer Valderrama exit the Hollywood club to escort Kelly and her friend inside. “He didn’t need to come outside and get her,” said the insider, who added that Kelly, who arrived at 12:45 a.m., could have gained access on her own accord, and that Valderrama had arrived earlier in the evening with Hayden Panettiere and a few others. Once insider Beacher’s, where Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus also spent the evening, the actor stayed by the side of Derek Jeter’s former squeeze for the entire night. The source adds, however, the pair were careful about appearing too affectionate inside the trendy club. A friend of Valderrama’s says the famous twosome “are getting to know each other” right now.

Oh, no. Minka Kelly is getting rutted by Fez? Damn it, I thought Minka was better than this. For those of you not in the loop (which is virtually all of you), Wilmer Valderrama has a legendary hose, and he’s a Jedi Master with that monster of his (as he’ll gladly tell you). Here’s what Minka needs to know about Fez: the price for the promise of multiple orgasms is your soul. It’s fine if you don’t believe me, but at least look at the evidence. He stabbed Misha Barton in the cervix and the act murdered her career. Ashlee Simpson had the voice of an angel until Wilmer stuck his microphone in her mouth, damaging her vocal cords beyond repair. Wilmer’s biggest conquest is still Lindsay Lohan. Do we even need to go over her shenanigans? Minka, you already took his bait, but there’s hope. The only way to break a monster hog addiction is by getting a better hog inside you. In other words, I’ll pencil you in for sometime in June. I’m sorry, but it’s the best I can do.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: Salma Hayek’s see-through shirt FTW


March 1, 2012 - 6:30 am