Ashton Kutcher is one horny dude

Ashton Kutcher out and about in West Hollywood (4/17)

I hope Mila Kunis doesn’t think she’s exclusive or anything with Ashton Kutcher (in case you haven’t heard yet, they’re secretly dating), because dude is lining the bitches up and mowing them down. From In Touch Weekly:

On one wild weekend, In Touch can exclusively report that the bawdy bachelor hooked up with not one, not two, not even three, but four hot girls! After a rebound romance with producer Lorene Scafaria and a sexy sleepover with Rihanna in March, Ashton arrived at a Passover bash at the Kabbalah Centre in New York on April 12 with another beauty on his arm. The next night, he was spotted seducing two young blondes at Mister H in the Big Apple’s Mondrian SoHo hotel. Then, two days later, the star shared a sushi date with his former That ’70s Show co-star Mila Kunis at Asanebo in LA.

“Ashton was getting very touchy-feely with her,” a pal says. “He was grabbing her hand the whole time … Ashton’s always had a crush on her, but Mila had a serious boyfriend.”

Whatever, dude. What. Eh. Vah. There are plenty of little pigs to keep Kelso happy so why pick on poor, vulnerable Mila? Is she hot? Oh hells to the yeah, bitch-tits, you know it, but it just doesn’t sit well with me. I can’t tell if my spidey sense is tingling or if I’m not over last weekend’s alcohol poisoning, but I happen to believe that Kelso is a mortal threat to Mila. Look, Ashton fed on Demi’s stardom for eight years, but he couldn’t last six months without her heavyweight heat. Running through all these nobodies and zilches will only keep the talent vampire alive on a day-to-day basis, but Ashton could sponge off Mila for decades, theoretically. We all know there’s only one solution: let’s ignore Ashton until he goes away. This formula has worked great for me, from jury duty to the draft to herpes to child support orders — everything goes away if you ignore it long enough.


April 27, 2012 - 8:00 am