Things with Ashton and Demi are getting messy

Happier Douchier times

Things aren’t exactly going smoothly in Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher’s divorce. Wait, Demi isn’t still mad that Ashton fucked all those chicks in a hot tub, is she? I swear, she a memory like an elephant. From the New York Post:

Despite being separated for more than a year, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are still locked in a fierce private battle over the financial terms of their divorce settlement.

Sources tell us that lawyers for Kutcher, the highest-paid TV actor last year, and Moore “are trying to negotiate a settlement out of court and out of the public eye.” But “they still haven’t reached an agreement over money, because Ashton earned substantially more during the final years of their marriage, but he doesn’t want to pay a large settlement.”

And one source added that if they don’t reach a private agreement, “the discussion could boil over into a public court battle.”

I know we should never choose sides in a divorce, but consider me a member of Team Demi. I see Ashton as the leader of the army of self-aggrandizing shit-fucks who have reigned supreme since about 2000, so I hope she takes everything except his stupid trucker hats. Ashton was already “The Situation” back before Mike Sorrentino had even considered buying his first Ab Roller, so you’ll have to pardon me for my lack of love for the cornball camera salesman. Maybe if Demi plays her cards right, she might find a new box of spray paint delivered to her home, compliments of the Home Depot. Huff, huff, pass.

October 23, 2012 - 6:30 am