Jessica Alba is the new Gwyneth Paltrow

Jessica Alba arriving on a flight at Miami International Airport (3/13)

It saddens me to say this, but I think Jessica Alba has gone native and is turning into the next Gwyneth Paltrow. She says she’s not, but I’m sorry, you can’t seriously think that an organic produce delivery service is a reasonable option for most people. From the New York Daily News:

[Jessica Alba’s] first book, “The Honest Life: Living Naturally and True to You,” helps parents clean up their act by sharing nontoxic alternatives to everyday products, plus parenting tips like packing the perfect diaper bag.

“I absolutely do these things. That’s why I wrote the book,” Alba says. “There’s lots of options, like delivery services for fresh produce that is organic, if people just want to do a couple of things in the book that are supereasy.”

She argues her guide is more relatable than Gwyneth Paltrow’s or Alicia Silverstone’s “Alicia Silverstone is a vegan, so she’s the extreme side of it,” she says. “Gwyneth Paltrow probably lives a very similar lifestyle, but I didn’t grow up with a bunch of money, so my tips are much more grounded: Repurposing things and making things at home.”

Yeah, Jessica’s book proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that she’s is just as big a loon as Gwyneth and Alicia, but she wins my approval because she’s hotter than those two combined. Gwyneth is average at best and Alicia looks like a living broccoli fart, so there’s absolutely nothing they say that I could take seriously. Jessica Alba, on the other hand, makes my private place tingle, so I’ll follow her like Jim Jones. What’s that, Jessie? You want us to give each other flaxseed oil enemas and join the Klan? Well, let me just find my turkey baster and pointy hat and we’re off to the rally.


March 15, 2013 - 5:00 pm