Oh STFU Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez arriving at BBC Radio 1 studios in London (5/30)

Jennifer Lopez claims that she used to be “homeless” because she got into a fight with her mom and slept on a couch at a dance studio. Oh my gosh that poor poor thing. Was the air conditioner working? She told W magazine:

“My mom and I butted heads. I didn’t want to go to college – I wanted to try dance full-time. So she and I had a break. I started sleeping on the sofa in the dance studio. I was homeless, but I told her, ‘This is what I have to do.’ A few months later, I landed a job dancing in Europe. When I got back, I booked In Living Color. I became a Fly Girl and moved to L.A. It all happened in a year.”

A comfortable (albeit semen-covered) couch in a well-kept dance studio? That’s what passes for homeless these days? Vagrants and scallywags don’t score jobs dancing in Europe like J.Lo did — they do charming things like sell tainted blood for cookies and shit on subway station platforms. I’m growing tired of J.Lo’s phony “Jenny from the Block” persona. She’s had a pretty sweet life, there’s no need to rewrite the backstory. Take me, for example. I’ve never hidden my early life, full of throwing money at the help, boarding school in Vienna, and holidays in the most exclusive vacation spots in countries most of you can’t pronounce — the wheels came off the wagon only after I depleted the trust fund by throwing most of it at the help. Damn it, look at the time. I have a bus to catch, an office to clean, and a CEO to blow.


July 19, 2013 - 9:00 am